Blog: A Trip To The Dentist

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I went to the DENTIST on Wednesday and it felt as if I had somehow drifted into a NEAR FUTURE SATIRE.

For LO! I had to go private and there was MONEY involved. My local practice originally advertised itself as accepting NHS patients when it opened a few years ago but now the button to choose "NHS" on the booking form always flicks to "no appointments available" - I'm sure they DO have NHS appointments, but I guess it's like when a national retail outlet advertises a sale price of 50% off based on the fact that the item was doubled in price for 15 seconds at 3am in the branch on the Shetland Islands.

I hadn't been for a few years because my teeth, though they be peggy little Fenland affairs betraying a genetic history of Not Enough Great-Grandparents, are FINE. However over the past few days they have HURT and I thought "AHA! I shall be grown up and go to the dentist!" When I got there it seemed unnervingly similar to having an NHS appointment, with delays and receptionists SCOWLING at you, just with more contactless payments.

When I eventually DID get in it was all fine and delightful, except that everything the dentist said to me was followed by a PRICE. "We're going to need to do a couple of X-Rays," he said, "Which will cost £20 each". I mean, it was nice of him to forewarn me, but then he did it EVERY time, sometimes spending more time on the cost options than the diagnosis. "This will need a filling - these can cost between £150 and £300 depending on size and type" etc etc. It kept on happening and felt WEIRD, like (AS STATED) a SATIRE on the radio from the 1980s.

The worst of it was that I was in the GRIP of the dentist, and so not really in a position of NEGOTIATING STRENGTH, so when he said things like "You'll need to see the hygenist, which will cost £55 for a 30 minute consultation" I meekly agreed, rather than fulfilling my intent to REFUSE such appointments as I HATE the hygenist with their pointy metal PAIN PRODDERS. I would not for one moment suggest that they do it this way on purpose... but I bet they flipping do.

At the end of it all he gave me a PRESCRIPTION which had three of the same item on it (SPECIAL TOOTHPASTE). "Oh good", I thought, "that means I'll get three for the price of one prescription, at least THAT will save some cash" but OH NO. The very nice chemist round the corner very pleasantly explained that that's not the case for private prescriptions and you have to pay for each one seperately. I mean, FAIR ENOUGH I guess, but it is slightly suspicious that that's the only financial transaction the dentist did NOT explain in full. A cynic might suggest that that's because it was the only one that would be occuring away from their workplace, but I could not possibly comment.

In summary I now have new a) UNDERSTANDING of Americans starting funding schemes to pay for basic healthcare b) DISLIKE of dentistry beyond previous dislikes and c) GRATITUDE that the NHS exists still so that this isn't the NORM for other healthcare - for now, anyway.

Also: my teeth still hurt a bit, how is THAT even fair?!?

posted 6/3/2025 by MJ Hibbett

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