Blog: Actual Birthday Fun

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Sunday morning began with me FINALLY living the ROCK LIFESTYLE i so richly deserve i.e. i awoke in a massive hotel bed with a beautiful woman, surrounded by empty BEER cans, and then made my way downstairs where i enjoyed a swim, JACUZZI and STEAMING in the STEAM ROOM. Oh YEAH! Come ON! That's what i CALL a Birthday Morning!

Things continued DELIGHTFULLY when we checked out, got some LUNCH from Marks & Sparks, and were soon sat on the train TUCKING IN. It was a beautiful picture of a day going WELL... so, of course, it being a) a Sunday b) on the train things went WRONG. The train ground to a halt just outside Bedford, and EVENTUALLY we were informed this was because of an "incident". I like the way they said "incident" to make us all think "Oh no! A BAD THING has occurred - we must not moan or complain, somebody has probably been hurt, and it is no fault whatsoever of the train company!"

It later turned out that the "incident" was some cables falling down, BECAUSE IT WAS HOT! ARGH! How can the rail companies FORGET, every single YEAR that the seasons CHANGE? GAAARGGHH!!! We thus disembarked at Bedford and joined a queue of about 200 people waiting for a bus to take us to Luton, in the SCORCHING heat.

I noticed a queue of people for taxis and thought "Ha! It's my birthday, i've got some CA$H, let's get a taxi to Luton!" We joined the line, found some people to SHARE with, and all was WELL. I was told by a Thameslink Guy that the rail companies would PAY people's taxi fares, but after about half an hour of queueing up (during which no buses arrived, no announcements were made, and nobody told us any different) it gradually emerged that this only applied to people who had a flight to catch, and everyone else was meant to queue for the buses.

Now, this annoyed me, for several reasons. Mainly - why didn't they TELL us any of this? It got to being an HOUR that we were all queued up, and though there were plenty of staff MILLING around, NOBODY said ANYTHING to us - the people waiting for buses (which never turned up) knew nothing, and those of us in the taxi queue had no way of knowing what was going on either. MAYHEM gradually ensued as people went out into the street outside the station to flag down taxis, while the Thameslink Guy at the head of the queue said "All taxis will stop here!" I pointed out the five taxis that manifestly WEREN'T doing this, directly in his line of view, and he first of all DENIED they existed, and the claimed that they were private hire taxis that people had rung for... i wondered a) why don't YOU ring for some then and b) why do they look exactly the same as the station taxis then?

It was all utterly bloody hopeless - after 90 minutes of waiting STILL no buses had arrived, NO taxis were coming to our queue (as they were all picking up private fares who'd TIP them outside), none of the staff were telling anybody ANYTHING (except to say "Oh no - i'll not get home on time tonight", to which the obvious answer was "NO, and neither will any of US, and we're not getting PAID to be here!") and RAGE was rising all round. I mean, for PITY'S SAKE, you'd think they'd have at LEAST a HALF-arsed plan for dealing with this sort of thing as IT! HAPPENS! ALL! THE! TIME! I reckon at LEAST one in three times when I've travelled this line at a weekend it's gone wrong, and yet each time it DOES everyone flaps around without a BLOODY CLUE what to do. GARGH! NGGG! RAGE!

However!

Choirs sang, light emitted, and from the car park came a man who did saith unto the Thameslink Guy: "I'm supposed to be picking someone up from here, but they're stuck at Luton. I'm going back there now, and my taxi can take 10 people there - so give me 10 people now for Luton and I'll help them out." Thameslink Guy consulted his clipboard. There was no contingency for this and he TRIED TO SEND HIM AWAY, saying "We don't have a form for that, we can't pay you." "I don't want paying", said THE ANGELIC TAXI DRIVER, "I just thought I could help out."

Thameslink Guy tried AGANE to SEND HIM AWAY - this interfered with the Stupid System of Prioritisation they'd enforced (hey! who are THEY to say that people catching flights are more important than anyone else? who KNOWS what the rest of us might be going home to do?), but LUCKILY we MOBILISED, and soon a VERY HAPPY POSSE of 12 of us (we squashed up) were in the TAXI and heading off. My initial GUILT at NOT going to an airport (and saying we had a flight to catch - hey! i needed to get home!) was ASSUAGED when it turned out the only TWO of the other people in the taxi were off to the airport too, and soon we were at Luton.

"Midland Mainline will probably use the trains that can't get further North as a Shuttle Service going back to London" said The Sheets On My Mattress, for LO! she is a wise and GOOD woman with SENSE. Midland Mainline are NONE of these things, and had of course CANCELLED all the trains, so there were even LESS running to ferry back all the people who'd got stuck. GENIUS! Luckily for us the coachloads hadn't arrived before we set off, so we travelled in COMFORT, but i DREAD to think what conditions were like later on...

Still, all was WELL for us, and it was impossible to be ANNOYED any more after witnessing such HUMAN KINDNESS in the shape of our Heavenly Cabbie. Things went so well that, guided by aforesaid The Plump In My Pillow, we got off at West Hampstead and ZIPPED over to East London in record time via the OVERLAND TRAINS - it was QUICKER and also LOVELY as we whizzed across town in the sunshine, rather than in the subterranean BOWELS of the city.

We eventually got home only having been delayed by two hours, but BY GOLLY we had WORKED those two hours! There was time for a SHOWER before we had some LOCAL FAMILY round for CHAMPAGNE (and also for me to show off my Star Wars Lego to the kids - HA! it was MINE!), and then we settled in for DOCTOR WHO.

i've gone on QUITE long enough here, so in summary: COR! OOH! OH NO JACK'S DEAD! TEARS! ARGH! DALEKS! You can tell RTD's read a lot of X-Men comics can't you? HOORAY! PHOENIX... sorry, Rose... REVIVES JACK! (sudden disappointment about Bad Wolf not being THAT thrilling) YES! You both WERE FANTASTIC! BARCELONA!

Or to put it even more SUCCINCTLY - that was BLOODY BRILLIANT, and i can't WAIT six months until the Christmas Episode - MORE please! And not just MORE of Dr Who, can we have some MORE programmes that ALL of us can watch, that are CLEVER and FUNNY and IMAGINATIVE and MOVING and OPEN-HEARTED and EXCITING and make us DELIGHT in being alive and human? Can we?

The BIRTHDAY then gently slid into a reverie of BOOZE, CURRY, and the first ever episode of Auf Wiedersehn Pet. It was BLOODY GRATE!

posted 21/6/2005 by MJ Hibbett

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