My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): 22/9/2004 - The Portland Works, Sheffield

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By this stage of the game we were fully into the SWING of Being On Tour, so tiny little details like venues CLOSING didn't bother us. It especially didn't bother ME because I've had it had SO VERY OFTEN in the past. In my experience, the venue almost always re-opens the next day after the gig should have been, as if nothing has happened. What?

At Hull Station me and Adam were accosted by a BESUITED OFFICE WORKER who saw our guitars and, sneering as he did so, said "Oh, on tour are we boys?" "YES!" we replied, excitedly, and he slunk off DEFEATED. Take that, THE MAN!

When we got to Sheffield we met with Frankie and Gary and did what ALL proper ROCK outfits do on the road: we went to ASDA. The Big Asda in Sheffield is AMAZING, it has TWO floors and a huge escalator that you can take trolleys on. Despite the signs saying "Do Not Run Backwards Down The Escalator Like A Tit" we DID run backwards down the escalator. HA! Another blow against STRAIGHT SOCIETY!

Eventually we tired of defying mainstream orthodoxy and headed over the venue, which we discovered to be a former factory which had been converted into rehearsal rooms. It was brilliant - it took about ten minutes of wandering up and down stairs and along corridors to find the room we were using, which itself had several sub-rooms including a BALCONY area with sofas which could only reached using a step-ladder. COOL!

Even cooler was the fact that, as it was only a rehearsal room and not a proper venue, everyone had to bring their own beer - yes, THAT is why we'd gone to Asda - and it was thus the most REAL ALE TASTIC place we played all week. My excitement at this was somewhat tempered when I realised that, as I was once again headlining/going on last, I'd have to be really careful and NOT drink all my BEER before going on, and so had to be very very SENSIBLE while sitting watching everyone else play. Being the headline act is TOUGH.

On the other hand, going on last also means that by the time you get on everyone else in the room will be ABSOLUTELY HAMMERED, and this was very much the case when I eventually got to do my set to a room which, slightly alarmingly, was PACKED with drunk people. My first song went BADLY - the PA was a bit ropey, the guitar was clanging, the vocals were muffled and I became CONVINCED that everybody HATED me, especially the SCALLY LADS sitting up on the balcony who, I was CONVINCED were LARFING at me.

Paranoia plus crappy sound could easily have made the evening GHASTLY, but I took up arms against this puddle of trouble and ABANDONED the PA, choosing once again to BELLOW, and gradually it turned into the best gig I'd ever done in my LIFE. There was cheering, there was JOINING IN (a LOT), there was MUCH good natured heckling/banter, "Boom Shake The Room" made the FLOOR vibrate and my second encore - SECOND ENCORE - was DEMANDED by the very bunch of scallies who, half an hour before, I'd been sure were going to ROUGH ME UP.

It was AMAZING - gigs like that come round EXTREMELY rarely and when they do all you can do is sit back and enjoy them, and we enjoyed it SO much that none of us wanted the evening to end. The only DANCING available IN Sheffield that night was an ELECTROCLASH night, which is where we went and found ourselves VOGUEING with the cast of TV's "Coupling". Oh yes, it was that kind of evening, and when Adam started balancing bottles of beer on his head we knew we were on a very special TRIP.

When we eventually got chucked out we went back to Mrs Machine's for more BOOZE. I popped to the loo and passed the spare room, where Gary was due to be sleeping. "That bed looks comfy", I thought and lay down for a moment. "Yes, it is" I said to myself then IMMEDIATELY got up to go back downstairs where I found everybody else ready to call it a night. It was only the next day that I found that I'd actually PASSED OUT for two hours, during which time a range of HILARIOUS photographs had been taking of me and a NAKED MAN'S BOTTOM.

ROCK AND ROLL MAYHEM!

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