My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): 2/10/2004 - Sanctuary Café, Brighton

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Every so often somebody will say to me "You don't LOOK like a Vegetarian", and I try my best to take this as a compliment, that I'm not a kaftan clad hippy or something, rather than admitting that what they really mean is "I thought vegetarians were all THIN".

I've been veggie for about 17 years now, and it has change a LOT in that time. When I took THE PLEDGE getting stuff to eat was a HASSLE, because the only place you could BUY stuff was in HEALTH FOOD SHOPS, and the ONLY things available (NB may contain exaggeration) were SIZZLES (bright red powder you added water to and fried which smelt vaguely like very cheap bacon) or VEGGIE MIX (light brown powder you added water to and fried which tasted vaguely of sand) or some kind of CASSEROLE made out of DRIED BEANS which needed soaking overnight or else they would be POISONOUS, making every meal a life or death tussle of FORWARD PLANNING.

I ended up eating a LOT of chips. Nowadays, of course, veggieNESS is a piece of piss, with every supermarket having its own range of GRUB ready for my gaping maw, alongside Linda McCartney, Quorn and a hundred other TASTY TREATS. It's EASY, but it does lead me now and again to pine wistfully for the days when ETHICAL was EFFORTFUL, and when the only chance for a meal out would involve going to a WORKERS COOPERATIVE where "ethnic" hat wearing beardies would charge you A MILLION QUID for an organic mung bean BAKE and a peppermint tea in a room BEDECKED with pictures of people SUFFERING. Where did they all go, those hippies with their difficult cook books and cork-board community noticeboards?

BRIGHTON. That's where.

As soon as I arrived at this cafe I was ELATED to find a HUGE pile of newsletters and leaflets advertising workshops, community schemes and campaigns, as well as a wide range of KNITTED TROUSER on the customers. I should have guessed from the gig - a BENEFIT ALL-DAYER for a CHICKEN SANCTUARY - that it would be a trip back in time, but nothing could have prepared me for the full-on 1992 Experience that I was suddenly dropped into.

As I settled down to a slice of QUICHE with HUMMUS - both HOME MADE of course - I perused the BEER LIST and was excited to see a wide range of delicious BEERS. I was less excited to see the prices - five pounds for a bottle of beer?!? "It's Organic!" protested the parachute-booted proprietor when I remonstrated. "It's organic in Sainsbury's as well, but they only charge TWO quid" I thought, QUITE LOUDLY, as I shuffled back to my seat.

This being a 1992-themed afternoon there were several ALTERNATIVE POETS on the bill as well as SPEECHES and some rather angry folk songs. I tried to fit in by doing "The Fight For History", my song about the death of THATCHER, but almost spoiled it by doing "Boom Shake The Room" - it didn't come out until 1993 - but they were a forgiving bunch and joined in manfully.

I had to dash off to catch my train back home, and LEGGED it so fast back to the station where I popped into Marks and Spencer’s to sample their HUGE rain of vegetarian friendly TASTY FOODSTUFFS. It was nice visiting 1992, but I wouldn't want to have to live their again.

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