My Exciting Life in ROCK (part 2): 27/5/2004 - The 12 Bar Club, London

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After all the talk here of gigs going wrong, or being frightening, or not happening at all, sometimes there comes along a gig which is just GRATE. THIS was one of them.

The reasons for the goodness were the standard reasons for Good Gigs since time immemorial. Lots of my friends came, also other people, they all enjoyed it, they clapped, and I went home with my lovely girlfriend, DRUNK. If there are other Gig Performance Measures of any worth, I am not aware of them.

In fact, the only POSSIBLE way to improve that sort of gig is to get to do an ENCORE. Now, the ENCORE is a tricky subject in the world of ROCK - even SPEAKING of it feels subtly WRONG, as a) doing so may JINX the likelihood of further occurences and b) oh la-di-da, look at Mister ENCORE, aren't we quite the STADIUM ROCK DANDY?

I shall be BRAVE however and speak of it, for the big question is: when do you do encores? It's always annoying when you go and see a band, especially the sort of band who were once SIGNIFICANTLY more popular than they are now, and they go off having NOT played The Hit, thus DEMANDING that you call them back. All right, it's all part of the RITUALS of ROCK, and nobody minds too much pretending that - oh wow! we all enjoyed the gig SO much we refuse to leave until the band come back on and do another song! - but when that happens there's always the risk they'll do ANOTHER "One From The New Album" and we'll have to sit through ten minutes of THAT, and THEN do all the clapping again, just so when we get home and people ask we can say yes, they did do The Hit. Eventually, and with bad grace.

Some ARTISTES react to this with a hardline policy of NO encores, which in some ways is even MORE poncey. Saying "we don't do encores" is like being one of those INTENSELY smug American teenagers who wear PROMISE RINGS, which basically say "YES, i am SO INCREDIBLY SEXY that MILLIONS of birds... sorry, LADIES would wish to have sex with me, but I am also SO AMAZINGLY GOOD AND HOLY that I am not going to take them up on the offer. Although I am not also so HUMBLE that I am not going to GO ON AND ON ABOUT IT." I managed not to have any sex for HUGE SWATHES of my youth without having to have ANY kind of jewellry to help me. All I needed was body odour and SKULKING, it's EASY!

So yes, saying "we don't do encores" PRESUMES that you are constantly PLAGUED for them, and I personally think that when you go and SEE such a band then you should stop clapping IMMEDIATELY the final song finishes, leaving them to walk off stage in SILENCE. Hey, if they're not going to do any overtime, why should we? Also, please turn the lights RIGHT UP so we can see them CLOCKING OFF.

Clearly there is a happy middle ground to be had, and I would suggest it is this: you do an encore when people ask PROPERLY. This has to be defined quite clearly - I've played with MANY Local Bands who think a single CLAP (technically known as An Applaur) qualifies as a DEMAND for more, and will DASH back on within SECONDS to inflict us with another ten minute bongo EPIC - and I would say that ASKING PROPERLY is when you've got offstage and the clapping has died down but then gone up a bit, with at least THREE people (at least two of whom you should not be directly related to or LIVING with) saying one of the following "More", "Encore", "Again, again, do another song" or "Hoorah". I am available for legal consultation on the matter.

Anyway, this particularly gig DID see me doing an encore, but also having to explain the mechanism of encores to the audience. As I say, it all ROLLICKED along with everyone having a fine old time, and the room was FULL of applause (plural) as I finished. It was FAB. I was just clambering down from the stage as the clapping died away, when everyone stopped and GLARED at me. I turned around to see everyone being CONFUSED, also slightly disappointed, as I started to put my guitar away.

"Aren't you going to do an encore then?" someone asked, sadly. "Er... it doesn't look like it," I said, having been lead to believe by the cessation of clapping that nodody wanted me to. "Unless anyone would like another song?"

Yes, I know, it is this kind of SHAMELESS VEGAS-STYLE SHOWMANSHIP that gets ALL performers a bad name - it's one step away from inflatables, fireworks and a hydraulic dancing dinosaur - but I felt it was necessary this time as people clearly didn't understand how the process worked. They soon got the idea though, and I was back on stage doing a final song within SECONDS.

It was a BRILLIANT gig, so brilliant in fact that my BRAIN woke me up at 6.30AM to tell me again how FANTASTIC it had been. I work for a University, so 6.30am is tantamount to the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT - THAT'S how excited I was about it!

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